Nonculture

Unless you are homeless or extremely good looking, you probably have heard about the supercollider whatever that they built in France, and the theoretical danger it poses.  They finally got it cooled down to “space” temperature and the day it turns on approaches.

http://www.lhcountdown.com/

When they turn this thing on and it creates a black hole the size of a silver dollar, it is going to eat everything and we will all be slowly pulled into France.  I know, everybody’s worst nightmare, because once you enter the borders of France your will to fight against the pull of the black hole will just evaporate and you will try to surrender to the black hole.  Unfortunately, black holes don’t take prisoners.   Still, you might want to buy a beret and a mime outfit, because I hear those are popular where we all will be going.

So, you may want to rethink your life real quick like, then go ahead and do all of those things you’ve been putting off.  Me, I’m going to finish this drink then pour another and watch the chaos from my porch in my overpriced run down apartment.  Because I’m already living the dream; I have it all.

Back a few posts ago (find it yourself), I mentioned that a small dream of mine was that somebody would do a retrospective on our current failure of a President.  I thought Michael Moore might wind up at the helm, but apparently Oliver Stone has already been filming “W”, which covers G-Dub and his fascinating fumble to power.

In Stone’s words, the film asks: “How did Bush go from being an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?” 

http://www.slate.com/id/2188423/

 So, kind of, in a way, I can relate to Bush.  Because I’m an alcoholic bum too.  And apparently I could be president as well.  I should look into that.

Slate goes on to say that the script is uninspired – and they review it at the link above.  But, I don’t care if it’s uninspired, because it inspires me nonetheless to watch it and probably even buy the DVD even though I decided months ago not to buy DVD’s until Blu-Ray prices came down…and until I got a Blu-Ray player.

Oliver Stone making this is a bit more bonus than I expected, because Stone doesn’t pull punches and gets more attention across party lines.  Aka, the Republicans might not dismiss it right off the bat, like they would if Moore had made one.

Admittedly, looking through quotes from the script, it looks weak.  Really weak.  Hopefully it’s tweaked during production.  The latest news from production is that 2 of the actors got in a fistfight at a wrap-up party, then the cops showed up and tased the shit out of Wright while he already lay prone in the street and called him the “N-word” (it’s being filmed in the south).  Meanwhile, Brolin got a face full of mace for offering no protest at all.  Allegedly, of course.  Regardless, that is some high drama.  Hopefully the fight was just carry over energy from all the high drama that will be W, and wasn’t just two drunk, spoiled actors playing grab-ass. 

On a side note, I was on the way to lunch today with some coworkers, and one of them said “too bad we can’t impeach Bush, it’s too late.”  I said it’s not too late – at least we can show, just for historical posterity, that we weren’t bad Americans for the whole 8 years…just for 7 ½ of them.  So, there are lots of people out there who still think it would be a good idea .  And some of them are even Republican, tax-paying, hard-working, “patriots”.

Some fun related links:

Bush schedules a pep talk about the economy at the same time the Fed Chairman does…interestingly they have different viewpoints.  Coincidence?

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=176740&title=headlines-its-the-stupid-economy

Bush tours the U.S. to survey his disastrous presidency

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/bush_tours_america_to_survey

Oh January 2009, where art thou.

Photo is from maroonedinmarin.blogspot.com…in case they want credit.

It’s summer, a time to hang out with your friends at BBQ’s and enjoy the sun and drink beer.  Then either puke or make a pass at somebody’s wife and get punched in the face, whichever way you roll.  And what can make a BBQ better than friendly drinking outdoor games that involve everybody and get you shit faced as fast as possible? 

Nothing, of course.

So here is a review of the summer BBQ games that you might be enjoying over the next few months if you have any friends, and some notes on them.  Notes on the games, not your loser friends; nobody cares about your fucking life enough to take notes, sorry to break it to you.

Beer Pong

America’s frat house favorite, Beer Pong is a game that will get you fucked up right quick, especially if you have bad hand eye coordination.  You use a ping pong or ping pong-like table and set up plastic beer cups in a bowling pin shape on either end and try to throw a ping pong ball into the beer (half full).  If it goes in, you or your teammate have to drink the beer.  Pretty simple.  There are other rules about whether you bounce it off the table or throw it right in (it’s easier to throw it right in, plus the opponents can swat away a bounce…but a bounce is worth 2 drinks) – and there are other rules but the main point to hit on with Beer Pong is that it is actually fun, especially the drunker you get.  It is also the most unsanitary game on the planet because the balls bounce off of the table and all over the place, but what are you, some kind of germ pussy?

Beer Pong hint:  You can try throwing at the same time as your partner and have one of you choose to bounce it.  Distract the other team with a regular shot, then a split second behind it have the other team member bounce it in.  Also, if you are interested in a girl at the party, ask her to be on your team then either tank it so that she has to chug beers fast, or compete honestly and try to win to keep the table.  Because you are going to be drinking regardless, and it’s proven that girls are actually very good at this particular game.  I don’t have any science to that, just going from experience.

Cornhole

Throw the bean bag into the hole.  Take a drink or hand out drinks accordingly, however you want to do it.  I’ve played this, but it was set up on my dogturd mine field of a yard, so a hint with this one would be not to own a dog.

Washers

This surprisingly complicated game, for being invented by someone with obviously a lot of free time and washers and pvc pipe on hand, is actually a lot of fun.  Much like the other games, you and your partner stand at each box half (though opposite sides) and you try to throw your 4 washers into the box, into the pvc pipe in the middle, or land it on the edge of the box.  Each is worth different points, and certain points wipe each other out, and so fucking on.  This is easy to set up, or even build yourself, if you have a lot of free time and washers and pvc pipe hanging around.  Otherwise get it on Amazon, like the rest of these.

Washers hint:  Try throwing the washers with a backwards spin, this seems to make them stay in the box more.  And don’t play on concrete around children; that was a mistake.  Metal washers bounce off of concrete.

Top Toss

Somebody I know owns one these, though not the fancy NASCAR one, but it just sat to the side the entire BBQ and nobody showed interest in it.  Probably because it not only looks difficult even if you are sober, it also looks stupid.

Nonculture Drinking Darts

This is a homegrown invention, aka a Nonculture premiere.  Set up a dartboard outside – on the garage door or wherever.  You play a regular game of cricket (3 each of 15-20 plus bull…wiki it).  Also, set up cups underneath the board in whatever pattern you like.  Because as the beers go on, darts will be falling.

Here are the drinking rules:

DART IN MUG ON FLOOR = DRINK WHOLE DRINK

DOUBLE = PASS OUT 1 DRINK

TRIPLE = PASS OUT 2 DRINK

BULL = SOCIAL, EVERYBODY TAKES 1 DRINK

DOUBLE BULL = EVERYBODY TAKES 2 DRINKS

LOSING BY MORE THAN 9 HITS = TAKE 2 DRINKS

LAND A DART ON LEDGE = TAKE A DRINK AND PASS OUT 1 DRINK

 Darts hint:  I recommend only playing steel tip darts on real boards, not electronic darts.

Happy drinking.

“Dr.AliyuUmar” <umaraliyu@millarumrali.com>

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I knew something like this would happen someday.  I’ve just had that feeling, all my life, that my ship would come in.  I just had to be patient.  And as you can see, good things come to those who wait.  Though I can’t believe I din’t show up (oh no I din’t!), I see other arrangements can be made for me to pick up my birthright of 600,000.00 dollars.  I’m glad there were no cents added to the amount, because that would look suspicious.  I did look twice at the fact that Dr. Ahmed Umar doesn’t capitalize his “I’s” when referring to himself, but that is probably just because he is humble and does not want to flaunt his title of “Doctor” and “Minister of Finance” as the executor of my birthright.  Of 600,000.00 US, I must repeat.  Plus, he sounds Saudi, and they are all rich, so I’m certain this is legit.

Obviously I need to contact the finance minister’s secretary to correct my “delivery address” before I get my chedda, but I’ve already taken some steps towards my new life.  I’ve quit my job and told my landlord that I’ll be moving out within the week.  I’ve booked the Orlando Magic Dancers for a mud wrestling party, and…well that took up my life savings, but hell, that was peanuts compared to my new roll of cash.

I can’t wait to start my new life.  I’m sure it’ll be so different from my current life of drinking and fucking around and not thinking beyond the next few months.  I can feel the wind of change!

Just like Rudi Schenker!

And pirates are what made this country great.  Well, at least the one to the left here has helped make it tolerable for me.  So, that’s worth something.

I’ve gone through and cleaned up previous posts so that they are now somewhat legible, and maybe even logical enough to be entertaining.  Depending on how wasted you are.  This is going back up for public view since I’ll be linking it from my other, new blog, The Literate Hypocrite (see blogroll to right).  It’s a site for drunken book reviews that make very little sense.  Because somebody’s got to do it.

So, with Captain Morgan in hand, we’re back online!  Oh, and I added my latest story, Downfall of Houlis, to celebrate all this online-ness, even though the story is still in its 4th draft and needs some work.  It’s your basic bar story, as usual.  Have to have the short story collection ready by October, so back to work. 

Happy 4th, mofos.